Without the Ugly...
Ever make a bonehead mistake? One that ruined previously done entries in your art journal?
I did this past week and it shook my confidence as an artist. Here is what happened I had started using a lot of wet media (Bombay inks and Color Burst watercolors) and made a background that I still do like very much only to realize that I had not been careful enough and liquid had seeped into the binding of my journal leaving the previous two entries with large dark indigo blotches marring the artwork.
Now it seems every time I go back to try to go back to my journal and finish what I started I freeze. Nothing wants to come forward and I find myself hesitating, procrastinating and just plain avoiding doing what I love to do. Why? Why am I so upset with this situation? With myself? It took a while and a lost of discussion to recognize just what is going on with me here. I am not upset at the waste of paper or anything like that I am in mourning for the art that was. That I considered done, their stories told. But now they are marred with a darkness that has crept in. I had considered going back and trying to fix the other two entries or maybe gesso over them and start again. But that felt wrong like I was trying to white was over a significant lesson that I needed to work through so I ultimately decided to leave them alone just as they are. The first two pictures below show the damage I had done to my artwork followed by a third picture of the background I had been working on.
I kept ask
ing myself why? Why was this bothering me so much? It finally dawned on me..
FEAR..
Fear is making me uncomfortable with my mistake. Fear is also what is freezing me where I am. Fear is preventing me from moving forward. Fear is what I need to confront.
What fear is this? The fear of appearing or ultimately being UGLY. Though I know as an adult this fear is an illusion my inner child still hears the taunts and feels the sting of being called fat and ugly all through out my childhood. I have still not let myself be in situations where I risk being taunted as ugly. I have not let my art be posted if it looked “ugly” to me. This has hindered my progression as an artist over all. I get so tied up in making sure it is not ugly art that I take way too long on projects to get them done if they get done at all. I need to let go of the fear of ugly and let loose the art that my soul is brimming with. No longer will I avoid posting my art unless its for the lack of a better word beautiful. I am only setting myself up for failure if I only give part of my artist journey the audience it deserves.
This year I have joined an art journaling group on facebook run by some wonderful ladies Effy Wilde and Sarah Trumpp called JOURNAL 52
For my Journal 52 week 3 entry that started this whole journey we were supposed to either pick a David Bowie song or our favorite song to art out but I needed something else. This is not my favorite song ever but one that applies directly to this situation. I need to art out this ugliness business and music has always been my therapy, my escape and there is a Melanie Doane song called THERE IS NO BEAUTIFUL that exemplifies what this whole situation is to me. The first part of the lyrics hit me hard.
Maybe it scares you
Maybe it makes you cry
Maybe it reminds you of all that you deny
To see the good
You never would
Without the ugly
There is no beautiful
So how to move forward? To thaw my motivation?
I must confront my fears.
A journal entry using the lyrics above. Art done loosely intuitively and yes possibly ugly. No editing myself just go with what comes out and then post everything: The two previous entries altered unintentionally by my actions and this third resulting entry.
Only then I feel like I would be able to move forward. This year is all about being authentic, being me wholely and fully and that means truly seeing all of myself . All of the “ugly” and the “beautiful”. For we are all complex creatures made up of both. #authenticity #embracetheugly
